This episode of Life by Design is told as a series of stories – not to show how far I’ve come or how far I still have to go, but as fodder for your own reflections, understanding, acceptance, and self-love.
One Step At A Time:
I was heading up to my room last week, when I passed by my housemate sitting at her computer. As my foot landed on the first step, I heard my inner critic make a comment about the way she was typing. As I moved onto the next step, I was beating myself up for being judgmental. My inner grumbles obviously had nothing to do with her. After all, nothing has meaning but the meaning you give it – and today, I can’t even remember what nonsensical meaning that was. By the time I reached the third step, I noticed how hard I was being on myself, and invited a moment of silence to simply breathe. By the time I got to my room, I was fully conscious of the fact that I mustn’t be feeling loved if I could project that lack of love onto the world outside me. Indeed, I have come to accept that the world, or rather my perception of it, is simply a mirror of my internal state.
So I sat down, gave myself a hug, smiled, and talked to myself lovingly. I also remembered that I am unconditionally loved by Source and even by certain human beings. 🙂 I also chose to change the station, from that fear-based ego-centered inner critical voice that obviously isn’t me (but a combination of negative voices internalized throughout my life) to that of the one who was able to observe all that was happening in a calm and loving way – the Higher Self, or conscience if you prefer. I was able to transform my inner reality from a harsh non-loving one to a loving one – for self first and then others. I’d say from beginning to end, all that happened within the space of a minute.
Loving Takes Practice:
I wish I was always that fast at switching gears. More so, I wish I could live in a constant state of self-love, which would naturally become unconditional love for others. I’m not there yet, and that’s OK. With decades of conscious practice, it comes much more naturally than it used to.
Denial:
There was a time when I actually denied the fact that I lacked self-love. I remember being on the Inner Voyage Caribbean cruise in 2000 – an amazing spiritual workshop cruise with many of the leaders of the time. When I wasn’t attending workshops or socializing, I was doing my photography homework for a correspondence courses with the New York Institute of Photography. Bliss! Investing in this experience may not have been the most financially wise decision I’ve made in my life (according to some in my environment), but I was so glad I had listened to my Guidance. I needed it. I had just experienced the most stressful year of my life – one that had tested my ability to stay strong for another and function in the world despite the fears and pressures around a situation that was completely out of my control. Once the crisis was over, I needed a break. I needed an intensive dose of love and beauty to fill my soul and strengthen my inner resources. It worked.
One evening, somewhere between Jamaica and the Cayman Islands, I was consulting an intuitive healer about my eczema, a skin problem that I’ve had to varying degrees since infancy. At one point, she told me that I had serious self-love issues. I reacted, saying that I was probably the most self-loving person I knew. I defended by giving examples, such as following Guidance, and coming on this cruise. I put up quite the self-righteous fuss – I denied it. I chuckle now as I write this.
Listen Up!:
Three years later, my Guides felt it necessary to speak up – literally. I was at a silent retreat in Nova Scotia after my ex-husband and I lovingly decided to part ways. This was one of three retreats I had planned that summer before moving to Calgary to do my Masters. It was an informal retreat that had no schedule except for a daily meeting with a spiritual adviser and a set dinner time.
One early morning, I woke up upon hearing another resident leaving the house. My inner critic immediately started beating myself up for not being the first one to shower, eat, and get out of the house for an early morning walk by the ocean. I know! Seriously! It’s not much fun in that head of mine at times… can you relate? (Note: I found out last week that this is normal for those with the “Achiever” theme – see last book in previous post).
Anyhow, I was really going at it when I heard a voice, loud and clear in the room (one of three times I can remember in my life when my Guidance came through audibly). I can’t remember the exact words, but it was something like “You’re perfect as you are”. The tears welled up, and I fell into a deep sleep for another few hours, probably waking up last in the center.
Perfectionism:
It had become clear that the intuitive healer on board the Inner Voyage cruise was right – I had serious self-love issues! For one, I was a perfectionist.
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.” ~ Michael Law
Indeed, I was so focused on the potential judgement of others and on wanting their approval that my ego reveled in its role as my worst critic. I was only beginning to realize that “I” was the other voice – the one that could say to the ego “yes, dear, I hear you, but I choose otherwise – I choose love”.
Sure, I excelled at many things and my reputation for doing great work grew, but at what cost?
The unrealistic expectations I placed on myself became expectations I placed on others. I was strictly goal oriented and not only forgot to enjoy the journey, but sometimes made that journey unpleasant for others. Although I could be very loving and nurturing in roles of leadership, I wasn’t a good team player. My expectations of peers made it impossible to be fully present and loving.
“There is no disappointment or anger in Real Love”
Dr. Greg Baer
Tuning Into the Body for Signals:
This became very clear to me when I was doing my Masters of Education in Calgary. Although my focus was English as a Second Language, I filled my roster of optional courses with offerings from the Spirituality and Leadership branch of the department. I even conducted an action research study during one of my internships that helped me become conscious of every moment I went from love to fear in the classroom – an extension of the Vipassana meditation training I had taken the summer before. While part of me was teaching the class, another part was keeping track of feelings of expansion and contraction within my body. I would take mental or written notes and then journal about it afterward.
I came to realize that I was great at doing teaching (putting together a fun, success-oriented class for students), but that every time someone asked a question (especially a grammar question), my insides would tighten. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know the answer. More importantly, I was afraid that this distraction would take me off schedule and that they wouldn’t have the chance to experience that aha moment of learning that I had planned after presenting them with a challenge. Sure, part of it was about the fear of losing control, but mostly, it was the fear that they would leave before the moment of truly understanding and learning (which would indicate failure on my part).
There is simply no room for love when fear takes over.
Perception:
I learned a lot during those 2 years. The greatest confirmation of that was when I received the results from my final paper / presentation on the being vs. doing of teaching: “A Lesson in Being: One Teacher’s Spiritual Journey in the MEd TESL Program”. Three professors sat on the jury that would decide whether or not I would receive my Masters of Education. One wrote that my work was exemplary of what all Masters students should strive for, and that if a grade could have been given, I would have received an A+. The next professor gave me great feedback and was very pleased. The third professor, however, wrote that he had nearly failed me – something to do with self-absorption (so the equivalent of a D). The exact same paper received marks from one end of the spectrum to the other. Perfect! I smiled as I recognized that the Universe was smiling with me – I had successfully learned that others’ judgments had nothing to do with me, but with their own perceptions and criteria for success. Although passing was important for my career, the most important factor was my own journey through the whole experience and knowing that I was now not only a better teacher, but a more loving being – inside out.
What is Self-Love?
I have grown a lot in my practice of unconditional love through the work of Dr. Greg Baer (www.RealLove.com). He teaches that the only way we can be unconditionally loved by others is to be seen and accepted for who we truly are – not for our masks. This is why it’s so important to be authentic with others. It would seem natural to say, therefore, that the only way we can truly love ourselves is by seeing and accepting the truth of who we are – of being honest with ourselves – in all our vulnerability. I’m not denying my self-love issues anymore (obviously, if you’ve been following my blog!) … Carl Jung said:
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
When we realize, however, that we aren’t the ego – we aren’t that inner critical voice, but rather that loving observer beyond that – it’s not so terrifying at all. As written in the Course of Miracles, “The ego is your belief. The ego is a confusion in identification”.
“You will identify with with what you think
will make you safe.
Whatever it may be,
you will believe that it is one with you.
Your safety lies in truth,
and not in lies.
Love is your safety.
Fear does not exist.
Identify with love, and you are safe.
Identify with love, and you are home.
Identify with love, and find your Self.”
This channeled text also advises:
“Seek not outside yourself.
The search implies you are not whole within.”
**
The Journey to Self-Love Continues:
My ego has been very vocal lately. I’ve come out of my hermit mode to join a community of thousands in B-School on a challenging, yet rewarding journey. My determination to live a life of passion and purpose is strong. So are my fears. Luckily, every day offers me opportunities to grow in love – with myself and others.
In the Worlds of Charlie Chaplin:
“When I started loving myself”
– A poem by Charlie Chaplin written on his 70th birthday on April 16, 1959 –
When I started loving myself
I understood that I’m always and at any given opportunity
in the right place at the right time.
And I understood that all that happens is right –
from then on I could be calm.
Today I know: It’s called TRUST.
When I started to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody
When I tried to force my desires on this person,
even though I knew the time is not right and the person was not ready for it,
and even though this person was me.
Today I know: It’s called LETTING GO
When I started loving myself
I could recognize that emotional pain and grief
are just warnings for me to not live against my own truth.
Today I know: It’s called AUTHENTICALLY BEING.
When I started loving myself
I stopped longing for another life
and could see that everything around me was a request to grow.
Today I know: It’s called MATURITY.
When I started loving myself
I stopped depriving myself of my free time
and stopped sketching further magnificent projects for the future.
Today I only do what’s fun and joy for me,
what I love and what makes my heart laugh,
in my own way and in my tempo.
Today I know: it’s called HONESTY.
When I started loving myself
I escaped from all what wasn’t healthy for me,
from dishes, people, things, situations
and from everything pulling me down and away from myself.
In the beginning I called it the “healthy egoism”,
but today I know: it’s called SELF-LOVE.
When I started loving myself
I stopped wanting to be always right
thus I’ve been less wrong.
Today I’ve recognized: it’s called HUMBLENESS.
When I started loving myself
I refused to live further in the past
and worry about my future.
Now I live only at this moment where EVERYTHING takes place,
like this I live every day and I call it CONSCIOUSNESS.
When I started loving myself
I recognized, that my thinking
can make me miserable and sick.
When I requested for my heart forces,
my mind got an important partner.
Today I call this connection HEART WISDOM.
We do not need to fear further discussions,
conflicts and problems with ourselves and others
since even stars sometimes bang on each other
and create new worlds.
Today I know: THIS IS LIFE!
***
Did your brain just jump in and say “that shoulda been ‘stop and smell the roses’ instead of ‘stop and smell the flowers’ “?
Ever since returning to Canada last July, I have repeatedly found myself feeling grateful to be living where I am. My friends and Guides helped me manifest the perfect housemate in a beautiful home. It’s been such a blessing!
