Am I ready? Leaving the Ashram Tomorrow

This isn’t the first time I feel this – I’ve done quite a few silent and not-so-silent spiritual retreats in my day and, when nearing the end, I always have mixed feelings. It’s the same when I go into hermit mode at home or in my painting studio. I appreciate the simplicity, the peacefulness, the lack of chaos and crowds. This week has gone by so quickly and has been so beautiful in so many ways – I could easily stay here a month!

It’s not like my Bali adventure is over though. I have 3 painting workshops to look forward to in the next 3 weeks and lots of tourism discoveries with each group. Yet part of me fears leaving those gates tomorrow. The fact that one of the guests here was pulled off her motorbike, broke her collar bone and got a concussion when a rider on a passing bike tried to pull her purse off doesn’t help. Like in any country where there’s a huge financial disparity between the locals and the masses of tourists flocking to it, there’s bound to be such occurrences. Between that and rabid monkeys who are famous for stealing what’s in your hands and bags, the world outside those gates could seem terrifying if I let it – but I won’t. Reading tourist websites/guides is a bit like watching the news. Your mind can get hooked on all the negativity – especially for some personality types (confession). Yes, I’m a world traveler. Still, I go through my “feel the fear and do it anyway” stages and then am usually thrilled I did (the do it, not the fear it). It’s the transitions that are tough. As Eckhart Tolle says, “People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgement, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future, and so on.” I’m getting better. I realize that as Harvey Mackey says, “When you wake up every day, you have two choices. You can either be positive or negative; an optimist or a pessimist. I choose to be an optimist. It’s all a matter of perspective”. Indeed!

I’m glad to say I chose a healthy perspective this morning. Although I didn’t make it to meditation and yoga (that’s what I get for staying up til 11pm to upload photos to my blog on a slow Internet connection and for putting my alarm on for 5:30 p.m. instead of a.m.) I didn’t beat myself up too badly for it. I actually woke up 10 minutes before it started, but there was such a storm outside that I spent the next few minutes looking at the thatched roof above my head wondering if was waterproof – it is. There were moments I could feel the judgement creeping in, but I recognized those and let the judgement go. Being loving means starting by being accepting of myself and my choices / actions. I’m learning. By 8am the storm had passed and the sun came out in time for yet another delicious breakfast!

Apart from that, I didn’t do much today – 2 meditations, 3 meals, a swim, a bit of reading, laundry in my bathroom sink, and resting. I took out my sketch pad and walked around, but didn’t draw anything. It’s still not part of my habits, even if I know that practice makes perfect. I didn’t want to force it. Travel for me inspires photography. Perhaps my workshops will add drawing to that, but I wasn’t moved to do so today.

Speaking of art workshops, I actually did leave the gates of the ashram yesterday for about 30 minutes or so. I accompanied Bella, a lovely American medical student and first time solo-traveler, to the batik workshop less than 5 minutes down the street. I was curious about it, and it was close by. There is indeed a world outside these gates. I could see the big family temple across from us, but hadn’t understood when I was told that the family was very big and so it was natural for their temple to be very big. No family I know of has its own church back home, so I had no context. As we walked down the road, I suddenly became aware that every home has its own temple site next to its house and that every elaborately decorated gateway to their home complex looks like temple gates. I can see how a tourist would inadvertently walk onto someone’s property, thinking it was a temple they could visit. Actually, that’s not true. Each property also seems to have a collection of loose dogs that fulfill their guard duty quite well by running up to the gate and barking ferociously as you walk by. I’m a dog lover, but did get a bit weary. Amazingly, they stop right at the top of the steps. Phew! I only had my iPhone and the glare was so bad I couldn’t see what I was photographing, but here’s a quick glimpse for now. I wish I had taken a photo of the woman doing her laundry in the street gutter in front of her home, but I didn’t feel it was polite and didn’t feel like asking for permission at the time.

The Batik studio was attached to a family home – temple, chickens, etc. It also had its barking dogs, and so we wondered if it truly was the right entrance. Soon, though, a man came to greet us with a “This is the friendly dog” and so I went into my usual dog-loving mode. We were there just before the teacher was going to start his one-day workshop with another foreigner, so Bella decided to stay. For $40 Cdn, she got 5 hours of instruction with lunch and completed an absolutely beautiful wall hanging of Ganesha. I was already familiar with this popular deity that is well represented at the ashram -“the remover of obstacles,the patron of arts and sciences and the deva of intellect and wisdom”. The small wooden carving of him that my brother brought back from India for me years ago is one of my few remaining possessions. I was very excited, therefore, that Bella found a design that pleased her and thrilled to see the results at the end of her day. Isn’t this gorgeous?!

Here’s a photo I took from my second bedroom window – so far I had only focused on the beautiful and peaceful in my blog. That had been part of my spiritual practice. Outside the other window, however, they’re building a 40-room hotel, one of a few being built in the small stretch of road I explored yesterday. I was told that soon there won’t be any more rice paddies around here. Some people say Bali is a sinking ship – the tourist boom has led to so much building that the island’s water and other infrastructure systems won’t be able to sustain it. Some hotels even have private pools in each room, I hear… I pray that those with vision and expertise find solutions to the problems and that harmony prevails between locals and tourists, humans and Mother Earth, etc I am so grateful for what I have experienced here so far. May Bali continue to share its beauty and hospitality in a loving, mutually profitable, and sustainable way. May Ganesha and all the deities that are worshiped here continue to show the way.